About Me

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Lemme keep it simple.. I am what I am.. but for you to form your own version of what I am, you gotta figure out what I am.. and for that you prolly might need to waste some time trying to do that.. but is it all worth the effort... well I dont know.. I leave that to you ! Lot of people in this world are deprived of all that they are eligible, but are still happy with what has been left back... and then there are this other set of people who are blessed with all that one can possibly imagine, but then they arent happy, because they are so worried about figuring out, if they were deprived of something...I fall in the first category, take one day at a time, have plans for the next 4 hours in your life and if you made it safe to your bed that day, without any problems, without any major set backs and with a joy that to someone somewhere, you did do a little something, well, then to me, I lived one more day fruitfully...Ah, too much of philosophy aint it... but that's the way I like it... I would want to be a hero in life, but then again I guess "All heroes become a bore at last"... So I guess I will just be the ordinary person in life, who still can stand out extra ordinary ofcourse...

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When movies end up reviving your past

It was a boring sunday and I had basked in glory all day under the television, channel surfing, hunting for movies etc., but it was the end of the day that shook me to my core..

I am a hard-core malayalam movie buff and love watching "MohanLal" anytime. I hold personal reasons behind this craze because I tend to see myself looking like him [ Lol ! I know you might think that's really a vivid imagination. If not anything else, me and him share the same wider body structure :) ]

They were playing this movie called Thanmatra and I got stuck to it. It was a MohanLal starrer and I was hoping to see some fireballs flying in terms of dialog delivery and some good subtle romancing by this aging veteran. But little did I know that i was in for a horrible shock.

The movie revolves around a father son wherein the father is having big hopes on getting his son through IAS [ Indian Administrative Service ] and suddenly falls victim to Alzheimer's disease. The movie goes on to show how a person who suffers from this horrible disease goes about with his life and the effects it has on the family members.

I was no longer seeing the movie, but was watching my life being played in front of me. I recently lost my father to Parkinson's  syndrome.

The amount of difficulties that my old man went through with his disease all started coming up in front of me. His numerous hallucinations, his childish behaviors, his inability to even wear a dhoti on his own, the number of times he would slipped and fallen down, not being able to eat his food on his own and needing to be fed.. and worst of them all, his realization of his inabilities and his tears.. they all flooded me..
I was choked and couldn't watch the movie any more but didn't have the guts to switch channels. I was too absorbed into the movie.

When the movie finally got over, I was emotionally shattered. I ended up in tears the whole night and suffocation as well. Imagine walking into work on a Monday Morning with your face all puffed up and swollen eyes...

Yes that is what some movies do to you... some movies aren't just movies but they end up flashing your life in front of you and before you realize, its you acting in the movie and its your story being played.

I still haven't been able to get out of the depression that movie put me in through... but I must admit, MohanLal truly portrayed every aspect of what a person would do when he suffers from such horrible diseases.

I only wish and pray that even my enemies should never have to endure such diseases !

Thursday, February 13, 2014

When superman bid farewell to me...!

Well, its been around 3 months now since my superman bid farewell to me.. Yes like all sons my father was and will always be my "Superman".. The day I lost him to the cruel arms of death, I wasn't even around with him to say a good bye.. The news reached me while I was at work, coding away to all glory.. It was revealed to me in a subtle manner but somehow I sensed it that he may have bid farewell to me.. But more than the grief of losing him, the pain of going through with what I would bluntly call as "Religious formalities" was what has been haunting me to this day...

As it wasn't enough that he was dead and gone, they made me pour cold water on my old man.. The same person whom I so lovingly called my "son" [ they say that when you get old you enter into second childhood and my dad's case was very true in this way because he suffered from Parkinsons]. I have literally helped him take bath almost every other day and when I used to help him with his bath, I would check if the water was luke warm and if it wasn't too cold for him.. But now they made me pour cold water on him.. Then they made me stand witness while they carried his dead body out on to the road, put him on the road and chanted away some mantras while I watched in total grief of how he lay in front of me, on the road.. the same person whom almost every night, I helped to lie down on a cot with a mattress..

If that wasn't all enough, they made me pour rice into his mouth and the overflowing rice went through his nostrils and lay all over his eyes.. I was literally worried that wouldnt this choke him off.. The priest addressed him as "body" and I was in great anger..! That is my dad you are addressing as... learn to address him as "Sir" cried my heart but that is how it all ends.. this glorious life wherein you win kingdoms.. subdue people.. amass great mountains of wealth.. and in the end, you get addressed as "body".. Even in his demise he was teaching me the values of life I thought...

If that wasn't all enough, the grand finale came when they made me pour a pot full of burning charcoal on his chest and said.. that is how you bid farewell to your loved one.. I was shattered.. because while he was alive I used to apply medicinal oil on his chest so that he doesn't have breathing problems.. used to apply vicks to help him get good sleep.. and now as the very son.. fully alive in flesh and blood.. here I was.. standing in front of the electric furnace all ready to gobble up my father.. my superman... pouring fire on his chest.. in the name of bidding farewell...

It was and will be an act of mine which I will live to be guilty about.. no matter what a religion says... I still haven't been able to digest the fact that I committed this horrible crime... and the most unceremonious way in which I bid farewell to my "Superman" !!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A 13 year old dream, which now seems to be a nightmare.

We have all had dreams, most of them tend to be too ambitious, too grand and sometimes a bit too difficult to make it as a reality.
I too have had a dream.. a dream which I have held close to heart... a dream of someday being able to own a car and drive it on my own.. Now for those of you who think that this dream probably sounds a bit too absurd.. allow me to justify.  This dream of mine comes very much from my childhood days. I grew up hearing my mother whine about how she always wanted to visit her brother's home after marriage in a car.. for she was married to a very successful bank employee.. but this has never happened, because my dad happened to be a bit too emotional and cares a lot about his siblings. All his life, he spent his time, money and energy in ensuring that his siblings were all taken care of, settled and had a decent life, and somewhere in this noble war that he has waded all his entire life, he forgot that his wife had a dream too. They say that what a father cannot manage to get done, the responsibility of getting it done falls on the shoulders of his children and I have somehow managed to believe in this "so called" philosophy from a very young age.. and so as a typical "bollywood/tollywood/kollywood" hero, I grew up with this burning desire.. that someday when I am all grown up, I will buy a car, take my mother in that car, and then go to my uncle's place and let her dream become a reality...

But time never lets us play our cards as per our expectations.. Life took me through some difficult paths owing to which I lost the belief in myself that I could ever drive a car. I went on with this mind block for about 13 years.. with that desire to fulfill my dream, still burning.. and the thought still stuck to my mind.. Finally this year, I decided to get over this and give it a shot. I went and joined a driving school. After almost a month battle with the car, trying hard to remember that I had to do a couple of things together almost always and at the same time, I felt I had finally figured out how to drive a car.

But the human mind apes a monkey is what they say.. I was no different and definitely not an exception.. The desire to now own a car started and before I realized what I was getting into, I had gone the entire nine miles and chose to buy a second hand car.. Buying a second hand car was a conscious decision I made, mostly for obvious reasons. I am still learning driving and just as any other regular guy who loves his automobile and mobile phone more than his parents or his wife (lol.. I know I exaggerated that part a little bit..), I couldn't bear to see dents/scratches on the new car. Add to the fact that I am prone to make mistakes while driving and I drive in a metro city wherein there are more kamikazes (In case you are wondering what the heck is a kamikaze.. here's what it means 'A pilot trained and willing to cause a suicidal crash'. Now I call the bike riders as kamikazes because they throw caution to the winds and drive as if they are in-fact on a suicide mission) on the road than there were during World War II perhaps !

I timed the purchase such that it coincides with my birthday and it was my way of gifting myself a special gift on my birthday. So the car was home, and I had begun taking it out for small rides in the streets just to get myself familiar with driving. I even named the car as "Hakuna Matata" which in-fact means "No Worries"..

So after two weeks of getting the car I managed to get my driving license. I was so thrilled at finally having been blessed by the RTO as "Licensed to kill" (lol, yeah technically any driver on the roads may/may not at some point kill someone).. So on a Wednesday (my mum believes that Wednesdays are always auspicious and all good things should be done on Wednesdays), I decided to take my car to work. I was very nervous and to beat the morning rush I decided to leave for work at 8.30 AM.. ! I navigated precariously through the streets and just before I was about to enter into the main road, it happened !! I had to take a left to enter the main road.. and I was so focused on ensuring that I don't knock anyone I was only looking at my right side trying to avoid incoming traffic, I forgot to pay attention to the left side of the car.. Net result.. I heard a big screeching sound and when I turned.. much to my horror I had brushed badly against a wall, creating my very first huge dent !! I was shattered.. but decided not to get down and examine the damage for I knew very well, if I looked at it, I wouldn't be able to move my car.. So I continued to work and only after I came to work and parked the car.. did I see it.. It was ugly and I had no one else to blame but my own self.. I kept telling myself.. well this is why you chose to buy a second hand car.. so why worry about it.. it happens..

My bigger woes were yet to come.. This past weekend, I had my friend drive my car and he suggested that I should get my car serviced since he felt that the car clutch was a bit too tight and he had difficulties in switching gears.. So I found an authorized service and walked in, little knowing what was to come.. They began examining the car and in 20 minutes flat, they gave me an estimate for a whooping 22,000 INR.. I was shocked !! They said that the car was due for a major servicing and much to my bad luck, I ended up being the guinea pig.. I was heart broken and depressed.. In a month I had already incurred such a huge expense..! It reminded me of my friend's wise words.. A car is never an asset, it is and will always be a liability.

Today morning I went back to the service center and paid the complete bill (it came to the tune of 28,000 INR) and drove the car to work.. the little consolation was, the car felt new, so smooth and so very nice to drive..

I have already been mocked at by a few of my friends at my folly of buying a used car without doing the due diligence it required.. I feel bad.. and feel depressed too.. lessons learnt.. my car still has its insurance renewal due in a couple of days (am looking at 10,000 for that) and still doesn't have an audio system in it (another 12,000 for that is what I am guessing is gonna cost)..

As I sit and type this epic reality of a beautiful dream I had.. I can't help but ponder.. was naming the car as "Hakuna Matata" a perfect example for an "oxy-moron" ??

Its only the beginning is what my near and dear ones tell me.. and am already terrified.. at the way in which a dream has now started morphing into a morbid nightmare !!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

When I bid farewell to Token #1

Today was a weird day to be honest. Never thought I would see this day so soon. Incase you are trying to scratch your head as to what I am talking about, well scratch no more (unless you are suffering from a dandruff problem that is.. hehehehehe) Today was a day when Madhu bid good bye to us.

Incase you are wondering who the heck is Madhu, well Madhu is this fresher girl who was part of my neighbouring team and after being with us for 3+ years she bid good-bye to us in search of greener pastures. 

Well you might be thinking, why is this guy getting all melodramatic over a fresher girl quitting. I can even see you give me that crooked smile even. I wouldnt want you to let your imagination horses run wild. Madhu is a very unique girl to be honest and to be precise. She's been the most down to earth, easy going, no drama girl I have seen so far in my current organisation. She doesnt have reservations, she has an awesome sense of humor, loves to be complimented on how "pretty" she looks and yet, commands an awesome amount of respect for a person she is. Like all guys, I too have committed the sin of ogling at her and have been audacious enough to be blatant about it to her itself (LOL, am sure she's laughing her heart out when she reads this). But I realized that she's way too more than just being ogled at. She's an amazing person whom you would want to befriend, especially if you are looking at a no non-sense person to hang around with.

To her nothing is a big headache in life. Her biggest of woes are for e.g., "I am feeling sleepy" or "I didn't dress up properly" etc., On a superficial level it might sound as if she's a dumb girl. But nope, that's not what Madhu is as I learnt. Madhu loves keeping things as simple as possible, and she is blatantly honest. She taught me to laugh out loud (although I never ever confessed this to her until now). She taught me what does it mean when someone says "Live life today". She taught me as to what does it mean when someone says "Keep it simple silly".

I have had the privilege of being her friend, philosopher, guide, mentor etc., but she has done me an equal favor by always being there to listen to my never ending woes, my whining, my cribbing. She has never managed to solve any of my worries but has always managed to help me ease off with my fretting. She has always ensured that she comes to me, talks to me, pesters me like hell, every-time I get cross with her and climb up the "drum-stick tree". I must admit I haven't seen too many people who would even want to go through so much of pain just to ensure that they get to talk to me again.

Today as I bid farewell to her and watched her walk off cheerfully, I thought, would I ever come across such a live-wire who has managed to shake off all my woes and made me smile as well. She has promised to be in touch, but then again, life is one fabulous journey which has more surprises than you can imagine. So the chances of keeping up her promise are very grim. Not to mention that she is one lazy ass who loves to just sleep her life away, if given a chance.

Madhu, thank you so much for giving me the privilege of knowing you as a person, for helping me learn so many valuable lessons without even knowing that you were indeed teaching me all of it, thank you so much for making me laugh, for hearing to all my gyan and best of them all, thank you so much for being a friend and showering in so many good memories to cherish about in moments of tranquility.

May all your dreams come true (I know the biggest one of yours is to get the 3 knots tied.. lol)!

- Token #1 Holder :)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

When God explained "God" to "humanity"

I haven't actually heard of much more elegant, down-to-earth simple and straight forward definition of God which makes sense to both a Theist as well as an Atheist.

I got so inspired by this dialog, that I felt I should share it with people who may have not watched this movie, or perhaps may not understand tamil.

[ Courtesy : Arai enn 305 il Kadavul, a tamil movie (God, in room no 305 ] 

The characters in this dialog.
Rudran is an atheist.
Arnold is God in guise, on planet earth.

Here's an interesting conversation between an atheist and the greatest theist's of all, God.

Arnold : umm, your room is filled with a lot of books.
Rudran : yup, all these books are against blind beliefs that exist in the society in the name of God. I have books written by Thanthai Periyar, Darwin's origin of species, The gospel of Atheism written by Annie Besant, Religions misguided missiles by Richard dawkins. All these books were written keeping one fact in mind, betterment of the human society. Most of the times I see society downgrade itself in the name of God which is why all these people proposed their thoughts.

Arnold : (smiles in appreciation)
Rudran : All that aside, tell me in which side are you ?What is your idea about God ?
Arnold : Umm.. very simple. By birth everyone is born with some qualities. Some draw very nicely, some play well, some write stories well. A person who draws well cant play well, and a person who plays well cant write well. On the same lines, when everyone is born, along with you is born this confidence that you can lead your life on your own. You have this feeling that you don't need anyone's help to take your life forward and you believe in yourself. But some people feel it would be good if they have "Some company" as a moral support. Both these two sects of people have one common needs which is "Self confidence". But because in the way God is being manipulated and used and projected by the society, He now portrays a person who evangelizes blind beliefs and as a person who grows social discrimination. Like goats or hens being given as sacrifice, people walking on fire, people shaving their heads in temples, people rolling on the floor around a temple, people walking to temples upside down on their feet, all these gymnastics and gimmicks are all extra fittings. There is no religious book that is part of any religion which says, you need violence, you need to have racial discrimination etc.

Rudran : Lol.. hold on now.. whom are you supporting now ?
Arnold : I am supporting Love. Love is God. God's heart throb is Love.

Rudran : Wait a minute. You are just beating around the bush. You know how much discrimination we have in the name of God. This religion's guy cant enter the place of worship of that religion and vice-versa. Forget all of that, even among the same religion this caste person is not allowed to enter that caste person's place of worship. Is this what you call as the place of Love ?? Aint this wrong ??
Arnold : Well if you just talk with respect to this problem alone this is wrong. But I feel we shouldn't restrict ourselves only to this problem. Let me explain. Tell me how many houses are there in your village.

Rudran : Ummm...well probably around 4000 houses.
Arnold : umm.. good. How many places of worship are there ?

Rudran : Umm.. probably some 3 or 4.
Arnold : So how is everyone living in those 4000 houses. 4 religions, 400 castes, this street person wont go to that street and that street person wont come here, this guy wont marry a girl from that street, and that guy wont give water to this guy. A bunch of people who live as landlords, and another bunch of people who live as slaves.. Is this all right ? Is division in the place of worship, alone your problem ? Why don't you start believing in the fact that everyone is equal and change the village, wouldn't the places of worship change automatically ? After all, aint those 4 places of worship amongst those 4000 houses ?

Rudran : Gets ferocious and argues back... It was only because of God, came religions and castes and now along with it so much discrimination. That is why I feel that I don't need God at all.
Arnold : No Rudran its impossible. You can't bring that into practice.

Rudran : Why is it not possible? In my generation, under my leadership I will get this done.
Arnold : Smiles and replies back.. The reason why am saying its impossible is because, here are you, who has fully understood what your leaders have to say, you fully believe that atheism is the way to go and hence you are on that side. But do you really think that on this side, wherein you are facing people who believe in God, fully even know what they are talking about ?? How many people do you even think love God from the bottom of their hearts ? God also gets the same amount of respect as that given to a cop who is standing on guard for protecting the public. Do you think everyone who comes to a place of worship, comes there to express their gratitude to God for creating this world and prays for world peace ?? Come on Rudran... Either they come there and crib and whine about their problems, or they seek a completely secure riskless life just as any insurance policy claims to give. Most importantly your leaders don't believe in forgiveness for mistakes, but here its like the full time job of "God"...

Arnold : If you want to capsize God's market, its very very simple. All you have to do is have a good and right network using which you solve the small small problems in the day to day life of a person. If you do that, God's market will plunge... but there's a small glitch to that... then they will make you God..
because as I said earlier, All they need is a small "company"....

Monday, April 18, 2011

Father's son...!

We have all am sure watched a dozen videos which says, treat your parents with love and affection. I have personally read more than a thousand forwards which emphasize on the fact that when parents get old, they enter into their second childhood and that they should be treated like they were kids.
But here's a little of my two cents that I felt like telling someone. Unfortunately since there's no one else to listen to me, am turning back to my faithful companion who has always heard everything that I wished to talk about, "my blog".
I, as all other kids, always visualized and regarded my father as my biggest hero on this planet earth. He's like the zoo-zoo that appears on the "Vodafone 3G" ad. He could do anything. He would solve financial issues with ease, take in as much as emotional trauma as possible and yet smile at me and would at times even spend time with me, just being a kid. He has always been my world to me. Now I am all grown up, and my father has grown backwards is what everyone tells me. 
There are certain diseases that do more damage to a person than you can think of. Parkinson's Syndrome is one such disease. Although am not going to really elaborate on the symptoms of this disease (Google can tell you more than what I can do), here are a few things the disease can make a person into. You will become this "slow motion action replay character", which means everything you do, would actually resemble being done in slow motion, right from walking around to responding to things. You will also morph into this "Absent minded professor" who keeps forgetting the short term things. You will end up more frequently asking "Where am I".. ? or "I don't remember that".. or "How do you switch on this TV".. You will become this helpless child but the only difference is, unlike the case of a child, you wouldn't see too many people willing to help you.
Am now seeing my father do all this, which apart from the emotional trauma also ends up putting me "in the spot". Since am a very happy bachelor, I don't know how to deal with kids nor have I had the affinity to play around with any kids. When it comes to kids, I always have kept a safe distance from them, not because I hate kids, but because of the fear of my ignorance.. "I don't know how to handle kids".. Now my father is turning into one and am not able to find out how do I handle him. Perhaps I am still stuck with this mindset of him being my "zoo-zoo Vodafone 3G hero" that I can't think of him as anything else. I find it awkward when he is trying desperately to just "button his shirts" or when I find him concentrating hard just to ensure that the "morsel of idli" makes it's way into his mouth and doesn't fall off. If dealing with Parkinson's syndrome was something which is difficult, dealing with elders who are suffering from it is even more difficult.
Sometimes I have burst into laughter, seeing my father do some things. Like for e.g., this other day we were all to be going to the polling booth to cast our votes. Since both my folks are senior citizens and I was their escort, we were allowed inside the booth as soon as we got there. While I was busy signing the register and my mum was trying to get her finger inked, I saw dad going round the Electronic Voting Machine, as if he were doing the "Merry-go-round". I couldn't help bursting out in laughter but didn't do so. Later after we got home, I asked him.. "Dad why were you circling the Voting Machine".. to which he very promptly replied.. "I was trying to ensure there wasn't anyone around trying to sneak around while I cast the votes.. what did you think ? I was having difficulties finding the machine ??".. that was a funny incident.
Sometimes I have also sank into a chair in utter sorrow, with my eyes filled with tears seeing my father's helplessness. This other day his condition worsened so much that he said to me "I don't seem to know where we are".. He would bend down and try to pick up something.. and when I asked him what he was doing he said "Am trying to pick up my shirt that's lying on the floor..."
All I hope is that I gain the patience and the endurement required to ensure that I still end up behaving like my "Father's son" and not anything else. For all those who are wondering what I am speaking about, take my words.. its a lot more difficult and harder fact to handle your "ageing kids" than your "growing toddlers"...

Monday, April 4, 2011

A random story !

Bill, was a happy toad who lived with his family in a nice little pond by the hills. He didn't have too much to do everyday, just croak around the entire day, jump here and there and catch a fly when it was meal time. Bill was a loving son to his parents and they were very happy to have him around. Bill was a big croak, and he had loads of friends with whom he shared a lot of his "time-pass". One fine day, Bill met this frog in the lake, her name was Angela. Bill liked Angela, because Angela was easy going as well. All day they would hop around, have fun, tease each other. Time went by and Angela and Bill became very good friends. Bill never had any second thoughts or confusions about Angela, but he really liked spending time with Angela. One fine day, in a lazy afternoon, both Bill and Angela were sitting by the lotus flowers on the lake, hiding under its shadows to escape the bright sun. Suddenly Angela said, "Bill, what if we go our separate ways, due to some reason or the other"... Bill was too drowsy to even reply back.. Angela slapped Bill and yelled out the same question again... Bill jumped out, thanks to that quick slap... he still took some time to come back to his senses and then said..."Ummm... well I dunno... I would miss you around perhaps"... Angela said... "umm.. yeah.. I guess I would too"... Bill was all puzzled.. he asked.. "but hey, Angela, why this question all of a sudden".... to which Angela replied.. "Oh well, I dunno.. just felt like asking...."...
Days went by... but Angela's question stuck to Bill's head.. he now started seeing an unknown fear of losing a good companion... days were getting miserable... and Bill was no longer able to be himself... One day Bill decided to put an end to his misery.. so as always, after their lunch... this time it was a couple of juicy flies... after which Angela even burped "Croak, croak"... they settled down for the noon siesta under the bright petals of the big lotus flower....
Bill said... "Hey Angela, can I tell you a secret..."... Angela jumped up and said "wowwie.. a secret.. temme.. temme.. temme"... Bill said... "Am gonna tell you a wish... a wish that I dont know will come true or not... its just a wish...".. Angela said... "Ah, a wish eh... temme temme".. and started jumping around...
Bill cleared up his croaky throat and said... "I wish, that someday, after a lot of days... I still get to spend time with you...."... Angela stopped... and said... "Well, aren't we now?".. Bill replied... yeah...we are...I just wish... that "we spend a lot of time with each other, as the froggy pair".. Angela's smile vanished.. she had a blank look at her face... she sat silent for a long time and said..."I thought we were friends"... and just walked away...

Bill sat there, lost... Bill didn't know what he had done wrong... Bill had just told a wish... Bill that day promised himself... he's not going to tell anyone of his wishes... including "God"...! because sometimes, wishes are not taken as wishes... but as hidden intentions !!