About Me

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Lemme keep it simple.. I am what I am.. but for you to form your own version of what I am, you gotta figure out what I am.. and for that you prolly might need to waste some time trying to do that.. but is it all worth the effort... well I dont know.. I leave that to you ! Lot of people in this world are deprived of all that they are eligible, but are still happy with what has been left back... and then there are this other set of people who are blessed with all that one can possibly imagine, but then they arent happy, because they are so worried about figuring out, if they were deprived of something...I fall in the first category, take one day at a time, have plans for the next 4 hours in your life and if you made it safe to your bed that day, without any problems, without any major set backs and with a joy that to someone somewhere, you did do a little something, well, then to me, I lived one more day fruitfully...Ah, too much of philosophy aint it... but that's the way I like it... I would want to be a hero in life, but then again I guess "All heroes become a bore at last"... So I guess I will just be the ordinary person in life, who still can stand out extra ordinary ofcourse...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Passion re-ignited

Well, its been a while since I nurtured this secret admiration. I havent actually managed to grow it to be honest, but this is something like the typical "Gas trouble in the tummy".. it hardly managed to die off.. Yes I am talking about my reading fetish! After my school days I havent actually read much.. even then it was just a wild craze after all the fiction novels.. from Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot, to the Hardy Boys to Nancy Drew.. just fiction..
This time again it was fiction.. I was supposedly taking a week off from work to hit the roads and chill out in "God's own country.. Kerala" for a week.. This time we had chosen Wayanad..! Just as me any my friend/philosopher/guide/brother/... Arvind decided to hit the roads.. I saw him meticulously pack a couple of books.. Arvind, I must admit is a voracious reader with a big vocabulary base.. so big that I even confuse him with the Oxford dictionary.. hehehehe (I hope he aint reading this.. if so.. sorry sir ji )
When I saw him pack a couple of books, I knew instantly this only meant one thing.. I would be left alone staring at nothing, coz when he dives into books, he normally doesnt pay attention to his surroundings.. So the mitigation plan for this almost sure calamity meant only one thing.. I also had to pick a book.. it was a difficult feeling.. I didnt know if I was even ready to read a book and even if I did, what would I read.. ! I knew zilch about books, authors, story lines, what type of book interests me.. nothing.. Afterall I have been away from books for "light years".. 
With a lot of desperation, I searched through his rack, trying to find out what would I read.. there were so many books in his rack (even though he would say his collection is very small).. I was lost!
Then it happened.. as if by magic..that one book shone like a shining star from the entire lot.. it was Dan Brown's "The lost symbol".. with gleaming eyes I looked at it.. would the lost symbol kindle the lost habit of book reading..? I didnt know.
Atleast I had a consolation with one thing.. I knew Dan brown as a writer through his other book "Da Vince Code".. so it had to be ok types.. I was trying to mentally prepare myself.. The Masons.. Clues.. Robert Langdon.. they were all coming back to me... With a lot of excitement I said.. "That's what I wanna read Arvind.. can I take that book for the trip ?".. Arvind looked at me and with sarcastic smile he said.. "You aint gonna finish that book.. so dont you expect me to let you take that book back home to Chennai.. If you dont finish it, the book stays with me.. because I still havent read it..".. With a big ego on my head I shot back.."Not a problem Sir ji.. I will finish it before the trip itself".. Well I had done my math.. we had 4 days in wayanad and we didnt have too many places to go.. I had no plans to watch TV.. had nothing else to do.. and had tonnes of ciggies to keep me going through out the night, if I wanted.. So what could possibly stop me from finishing off this book I thought..

We reached wayanad and after settling down, I started reading the book.. desperately trying to avoid yawning.. (books have always had that effect on me...) Well, before I even began.. Arvind said.. "hey someone told me the first 40 odd pages, nothing happens.. and oh btw.. dont you dare tell me the story as well".. It was a bit warning for sure...
And so started my journey into the world of "The lost symbol".. over the course of the next two days... it started getting into me.. I was no longer worried about meanings of words (there were a lot of 'em which I didnt know what they meant..).. I was no longer worried about the historic importance or relevance of a lot of things that Dan Brown spoke about.. I had just one agenda.. What is the damn "Lost symbol"... it was a mad rush.. I no longer felt that I wanted to eat.. and I skipped taking the noon siesta's.. ciggies were being burnt like "candles during a power cut night"... The book turned out so interesting that I was not ready to let go of it any more.. Arvind felt pity on me and said.. "You know what.. take the book along with you read it and then return it to me..."...

But that's not what I remembered so much about this book.. more than the ending of the book.. more than the vivid descriptions of each of those monuments in Washington DC.. more than those nail biting action vividly being described.. you know what stuck into my head.. it was in the way in which Robert Langdon kept recollecting events... it got into me so much that.. when I began our return trip in Arvind's Honda City.. I was surprised that I was actually doing the same exact thing like Robert Langdon... 

As the roads of wayanad curled and curved like a big snake slithering in a dense jungle.. I sat in the car..thinking what next was in store for me.. a vacation that was dawning to a close just as the sun was slowly peeping to us, from beyond the clouds.. as if to symbolize an irony.. and mock at me saying.. "Your end marks my beginning"... As we greeted zooming buses, and cars and crawling lorries.. I sat and wondered..

This was some of the lines of text that ran in my head !!

I truely had now revived my fetish for books !

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A gal friend which I wish I never had...

Well, I thought I ought to tell people about my girl friend... Incase you are wondering why, well I would let you find the answer on your own.. rather than me substantiate it..

I met her probably around 10 years back... We bumped into each other by accident.. I wasnt charmed on seeing her.. infact now I can profoundly say, no one even likes her... :)
Her name is Anamika.. Till date I am still trying to find out, why is so damn crazy about me...
At first I thought it was just a crush she had on me, and over time, she would get over it as well.. but as days went by I realised, she had made up her mind about me and had decided to cling to me till eternity.

I must tell you, she's not the most prettiest of girls you would find, she doesnt even have that, the "Gal next door" look.. she's neither "hot" nor is she sweet.. Infact many a times I have got this feeling that she is nothing more than just a "pain in the butt".. if you can call it that way..

Till date I have tried everything to find out, as to why is she so damn crazy about me... but she never has told me.. and I guess she never will.. When she became unbearable and untolerable, I tried a lot of tricks in the trade, to get rid of her..

I resorted to smoking and drinking, coz Indian gals basically hate guys who smoke and drink.. But nope, she wont care a "Dime" about it, but still came back to me with a big smile on her face..

I then thought, maybe I should use the "jealousy" factor... so I started talking to other girls.. just to make her jealous.. I even flirted with other girls, and even resorted to this wierd unheard concept of "parallel love".. (Dont ask me, what the hell does parallel love mean.. because just as you, I havent a clue about it either.. I just now cooked up that word... hehehehe).. Well the jealousy factor wasnt working as well.. she just didnt seem to be bothered... I even asked her once.. hey I thought gals get jealous when they find their boyfriends going around doing the "koochi koochi koo" act with other gals dont they.. ? To which she replied... krish.. you like it or not, I am here to stay with you... and gave me a wicked smile...

I resorted to medication as well, trying all the medicines that would give me immunity from her... but nope.. all my desperate attempts were hitting a dead end and no matter what I did, she would always come back to me.. and drive me nuts...

Many a times, when she has been with me.. I have weeped.. I have cribbed.. I have even bled.. but she just sticks with me, and wont go... If not anything else, I must admit.. damn.. I admire her loyalty to our relationship... even though I would do anything to get rid of her...

She has this weird habit of playing with my emotions and choking me and at other times she gets physical with me which hurts me more...

Today I had gone out, and I was hoping I wouldnt bump into her because these days I yearn more of sometime wherein I neednt deal with her... but out of nowhere she sprung an act of surprise on me, and before I even could say  "Abraca dabra" there she was.. right with me... hurting me... giving me that uncomfortable feeling again... Today infact it was a bit too much for me to handle.. I ended up in tears even while I was driving...

Infact she has been the sole reason for a lot of losses in my life.. I gave up enjoying driving because she was always there with me.. I gave up long travels because I couldnt stand her company... I took to boozing partially because I was trying to get rid of her..

Today, when I look back at these 10 years that I have been with her, and ask myself, has she ever done anything to me at all, which I could call as "Good".. I have just two answers...

  1. She taught me endurance... Now I can withstand her a lot more than what others can, when she is around..
  2. She taught me to smile, at all times, especially when she is around.
Now am sure you must be wondering, why the heck am I still sticking to her.. Why am I not asking her to "Take a hike" and get on with life... Well if I told you some realities about her, you would know why, that is never possible.. Oh that reminds me.. am sure you must have met her as well...

Infact am sure, you must have even had her company at some point or the other...
You would know her by her much more prominent name.... She's called "Pain"..
I just resorted to giving her this much more friendlier name of "Anamika" which means.. one with no name.. anonymous...

Now you know why I cant get rid of her.. dont you :)

Oh btw, I chose to perceive her as my girl friend, not because I am a male chauvenist or anything.. but I just didn't want to sound "Gay" by calling it "my boy friend" :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

An interesting Conversation...

A conversation, worth reading I thought... if not for anyone else, atleast for me...

VRR : So tell me something, what is it that you want from life in the next ten years.
Me : Well, what exactly are you looking for as an answer.

VRR : Well, tell me whatever you feel like saying.
Me : Well, I dont know how to answer that question.
VRR : Well, the typical answer that I get from people everytime I ask this question is.. Oh well, I want a happy life, no problems..everyone should be happy.. blah blah blah..
Me : Umm..that was expected wasnt it ?
VRR : Well, not sure about that. But why is it that no one tells me, in the next 10 years, I want a S class mercedez benz, a 2 ground apartment in Kodambakkam worth 2 crores.. tell me why didnt you say anything like that ?
Me : Well, if you are expecting that sort of an answer, I do have one..which I want as well. I want 25 lacs as bank balance, no loans on my house and no other debts as well. I want to retire at 40 and get settled in an old age home.
VRR : Well, why didnt you wish for a benz or anything like that.
Me : Well, my experiences suggest that with my income, I dont think I will be able to ever achieve it.

VRR : Hmm..that is where the problem starts. What's wrong in wishing ? Do you incur any cost ? Do you lose anything ? No right? Then why cant you wish for big things ? What is stopping you ? The past experiences right ? Let me give you an example.. Lets go back in time some 50 years..50 years back, if you walked to the most learned of men and showed them a Mobile phone and told them, do you know, I can talk to people far off, using this device.. what do you think would be their reaction ? They would laugh at you right ? But even then, someone somewhere believed that this was possible.. someone somewhere dreamt about it, wished for it.. and reality is right now in front of you.
Me : Yeah I got what you are saying.. ok let me ask you something... At times.. I feel handicapped to be honest.. I feel bad at not being able to enjoy as much as my friends.. go places.. try out adventures etc., How do I get rid of this handicap feeling..
VRR : Hmm.. interesting.. let us go through a simple comparison.. Lets take Michael Jackson and Sachin Tendulkar as an example.. We all know MJ can dance like hell.. no one even comes remotely close to him.. We also know Sachin, is an amazing sportsman and there is no one who can be like him.. Here's a comparison.. When compared to MJ, sachin can hardly dance.. which means.. he is kinda person who is handicapped..right ? 
Me : Yeah true.. technically speaking.. lacking an ability would be termed as handicapped right...
VRR : Yes.. now again.. when compared to Sachin, MJ can hardly bat.. right ?
Me : Yeah that's true as well.
VRR : So in dance, Sachin is a handicapped person when compared to MJ. Likewise in cricket, MJ is a handicap when compared to Sachin..
Me : Interesting.. I never thought about that..
VRR : Yes, I know.. Lot of people always stick to comparisons and draw conclusions on their abilities.. Lets take me and you.. You are a handicap in physique when compared to me.. and I am a handicap in intellect when compared to you.. But think deeply.. are we really handicapped ? We arent.. we just have different abilities.. what we all do is.. cling to what we dont have and crib about it.. and let what we have, rot away to all glory.. 
 Me : Gosh! I never realised that..
VRR : Yes, so rather than focussing on your weaknesses, why dont you focus on your strengths...
Me : Wierdly true.. then why is it that I dont feel happy about things.. I feel I dont have friends.. no gal friends... no social life.. I feel happy when am with friends.. but not happy when am alone..

VRR: Have you ever watched a kid ?
Me : Yeah, I have.. but why ask.
VRR : Well, a kid is your ultimate teacher.
Me : What ?
VRR : yes.. a kid is always happy.. its happy when it has company.. its happy when it has no company.. its happy when it has toys to play with.. its happy when it doesnt have any toys to play with.. We were all born with the basic ability to be happy.. but somewhere down the line.. somehow.. we started accumulating garbage.. started coming to conclusions.. and now are in a position wherein we look for happiness externally.. rather than internally.. We feel happy when we get a promotion or when we get a hike.. or when we get a gal friend.. or when we get married.. but the rest of the time, we dont feel happy..
Me : hmmm
VRR : Happiness is a state, which we all know to be at.. its just that we have forgotten to be in that state at all times.. That is why I tell you.. a kid is your best teacher.. there are a lot of things which we should learn from our own childhood.. that is why I tell you..the next time you see a kid.. dont stop with just playing with it.. watch it.. learn from it...
Me : Is that the reason why people say.. "A child and God are one and the same" ?
VRR : Partially yes.. What are the main qualities of God, as you were told or as you know ?
Me : God is always in a state of bliss.. God knows no fear.. God knows no failures..

VRR : Dont you think all these qualities exist in a child as well ? A child is always in a state of bliss too.. A child knows no fear as well, which is why it doesnt get scared to peep out of the balcony or touch a lit candle.. A child also doesnt know what do you mean by failures.. it only knows to try again.. which is why we as children were able to walk.. coz we kept on trying despite falling down umpteen number of times..
Me : Yeah, now I understand.. I must admit.. this did kindle a lot of thoughts in my mind.. I guess I will sit, think through again, digest each and everything slowly...
VRR : Take your time my friend.. You as a human body is a fascinating piece of machinery that creation ever managed to create.. and with a thinking mind, it becomes even more fabulous.. take all your time.. the more you introspect, believe me.. the more you would move towards being in a state of bliss.. Take care my friend..