About Me

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Lemme keep it simple.. I am what I am.. but for you to form your own version of what I am, you gotta figure out what I am.. and for that you prolly might need to waste some time trying to do that.. but is it all worth the effort... well I dont know.. I leave that to you ! Lot of people in this world are deprived of all that they are eligible, but are still happy with what has been left back... and then there are this other set of people who are blessed with all that one can possibly imagine, but then they arent happy, because they are so worried about figuring out, if they were deprived of something...I fall in the first category, take one day at a time, have plans for the next 4 hours in your life and if you made it safe to your bed that day, without any problems, without any major set backs and with a joy that to someone somewhere, you did do a little something, well, then to me, I lived one more day fruitfully...Ah, too much of philosophy aint it... but that's the way I like it... I would want to be a hero in life, but then again I guess "All heroes become a bore at last"... So I guess I will just be the ordinary person in life, who still can stand out extra ordinary ofcourse...

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When movies end up reviving your past

It was a boring sunday and I had basked in glory all day under the television, channel surfing, hunting for movies etc., but it was the end of the day that shook me to my core..

I am a hard-core malayalam movie buff and love watching "MohanLal" anytime. I hold personal reasons behind this craze because I tend to see myself looking like him [ Lol ! I know you might think that's really a vivid imagination. If not anything else, me and him share the same wider body structure :) ]

They were playing this movie called Thanmatra and I got stuck to it. It was a MohanLal starrer and I was hoping to see some fireballs flying in terms of dialog delivery and some good subtle romancing by this aging veteran. But little did I know that i was in for a horrible shock.

The movie revolves around a father son wherein the father is having big hopes on getting his son through IAS [ Indian Administrative Service ] and suddenly falls victim to Alzheimer's disease. The movie goes on to show how a person who suffers from this horrible disease goes about with his life and the effects it has on the family members.

I was no longer seeing the movie, but was watching my life being played in front of me. I recently lost my father to Parkinson's  syndrome.

The amount of difficulties that my old man went through with his disease all started coming up in front of me. His numerous hallucinations, his childish behaviors, his inability to even wear a dhoti on his own, the number of times he would slipped and fallen down, not being able to eat his food on his own and needing to be fed.. and worst of them all, his realization of his inabilities and his tears.. they all flooded me..
I was choked and couldn't watch the movie any more but didn't have the guts to switch channels. I was too absorbed into the movie.

When the movie finally got over, I was emotionally shattered. I ended up in tears the whole night and suffocation as well. Imagine walking into work on a Monday Morning with your face all puffed up and swollen eyes...

Yes that is what some movies do to you... some movies aren't just movies but they end up flashing your life in front of you and before you realize, its you acting in the movie and its your story being played.

I still haven't been able to get out of the depression that movie put me in through... but I must admit, MohanLal truly portrayed every aspect of what a person would do when he suffers from such horrible diseases.

I only wish and pray that even my enemies should never have to endure such diseases !

Thursday, February 13, 2014

When superman bid farewell to me...!

Well, its been around 3 months now since my superman bid farewell to me.. Yes like all sons my father was and will always be my "Superman".. The day I lost him to the cruel arms of death, I wasn't even around with him to say a good bye.. The news reached me while I was at work, coding away to all glory.. It was revealed to me in a subtle manner but somehow I sensed it that he may have bid farewell to me.. But more than the grief of losing him, the pain of going through with what I would bluntly call as "Religious formalities" was what has been haunting me to this day...

As it wasn't enough that he was dead and gone, they made me pour cold water on my old man.. The same person whom I so lovingly called my "son" [ they say that when you get old you enter into second childhood and my dad's case was very true in this way because he suffered from Parkinsons]. I have literally helped him take bath almost every other day and when I used to help him with his bath, I would check if the water was luke warm and if it wasn't too cold for him.. But now they made me pour cold water on him.. Then they made me stand witness while they carried his dead body out on to the road, put him on the road and chanted away some mantras while I watched in total grief of how he lay in front of me, on the road.. the same person whom almost every night, I helped to lie down on a cot with a mattress..

If that wasn't all enough, they made me pour rice into his mouth and the overflowing rice went through his nostrils and lay all over his eyes.. I was literally worried that wouldnt this choke him off.. The priest addressed him as "body" and I was in great anger..! That is my dad you are addressing as... learn to address him as "Sir" cried my heart but that is how it all ends.. this glorious life wherein you win kingdoms.. subdue people.. amass great mountains of wealth.. and in the end, you get addressed as "body".. Even in his demise he was teaching me the values of life I thought...

If that wasn't all enough, the grand finale came when they made me pour a pot full of burning charcoal on his chest and said.. that is how you bid farewell to your loved one.. I was shattered.. because while he was alive I used to apply medicinal oil on his chest so that he doesn't have breathing problems.. used to apply vicks to help him get good sleep.. and now as the very son.. fully alive in flesh and blood.. here I was.. standing in front of the electric furnace all ready to gobble up my father.. my superman... pouring fire on his chest.. in the name of bidding farewell...

It was and will be an act of mine which I will live to be guilty about.. no matter what a religion says... I still haven't been able to digest the fact that I committed this horrible crime... and the most unceremonious way in which I bid farewell to my "Superman" !!